Tonight I wanted to write a response to a wonderful article written by Katia Hetter (CNN) and shared on FB by my smart, talented and gorgeous friend Meg McM
www.cnn.com/2012/06/20/living/give-grandma-hug-child/index.htmlThis is a great commentary on what we ask our children to do out of politeness, and what we ask them to sacrifice. I recently had to intervene on behalf of my daughters, and politely ask a certain individual to 'step back'.
The line between childhood and adulthood is so blurred, and guess what? My daughters, while kind, gentle, intelligent young women and kick-ass athletes, do not need to prove they are such, to you, guest in my home. They do not need to prove this by racing you around the block, arm wrestling, or (GAG) seeing if they are strong enough to escape from your 'grasp'. G-A-S-P! It was all I could do to politely kick this man's ass out of my house and politely inform him he was not invited back. All while conveying to my girls that it is OK not to be 'polite'.
So, as I was rallying myself to write
(and I'm not a writer, it's like sex with your spouse; it has to be done. It's enjoyable while you do it, but then you forget it's not that bad and have to psych yourself up to do it again. And DON'T be nodding in agreement, women friends. That's a joke. Writing is hard, sex, OK, I give up...<GRIN>...)
Anyway, I was thinking about Hetter's article, and some of the negative press she received, people were all up in arms about our children following our directions, but I was also thinking about my recent post.
Think about this:
"The message a child gets is that not only is another person's emotional state their responsibility but that they must also sacrifice their own [personal space/emotional state] to buoy another's ego or satisfy their desire for love or affection," Jennifer Lehr [Hetter]
So I touched nerves with my Who Loves Who post. I got backlash and ooph, someone told me to fuck off....it's just like high school. And take note, Lehr was writing about children.
Your emotional state is your responsibility, but your adult BEHAVIOR influences the emotional state of the ones you surround yourself with.
If you can't sleep, re-visit my posts on the right~Who we Love Doesn't Always Love Us, and the one below that was so short but pissed all 12 of you off:
Cut yourself (and me, your tooth-ache) some slack <3
Break it to YOU Gently- One More Time
REedit
Break It by Brenda Lee
One of my favorite artists, beautiful, talented and forgotten.
Did you also know she sang, I'm Sorry. Put her on SHUFFLE with Vivaldi Winter and you could be up all night solving problems
Loves, it really isn't about YOU. It's Karma. Karma, she's a bitch, isn't she?
I pissed several of you off when I first published this post last week. You thought it was about you. News flash, not everything you read on the Internet is true. Never the less, your feelings are legitimately yours, which lead me to pull this post for a couple days while I re-thought.
So here we go again...only tonight it's not Brenda Lee on iTunes, it's The Flaming Lips, and Yoshimi is battling the pink robots, again. The good news? She's a black belt in karate.
Did you think it was about you? ? Girls?
And YIKES to those of you angry at the woman who had an affair...again, the man in the situation gets a 'High-Five'. The woman gets Bitch-Slapped, literally.
Men friends,
If I pissed you off and if I touched a nerve with you, all 12 of you, do something about it. And Get the Fuck over yourself, truly. We want what you want. And stop complaining that you are 'stupid' or 'dumb'. You know what? You would never tolerate that from an employee. ONE time and you would fire their ass.
My last advice was, 'Move forward and move on.'
For tonight, [Listen] to Brenda Lee, the words don't matter, the heart does.
"When I fall in love..." It's just good listening.
BUT take a note from Yoshimi:
'Cause she knows that
it'd be tragic
if those evil robots win
I know she can beat them
AND from Hetter:
"...while I hope I'm teaching my child how to take care of her/himself in the future, there are benefits to allowing her/him to express affection in their own way and on their own timeline...."
Hey, babe!
ReplyDelete(a) the man in the affair deserves a huge bitch-slap, and I'm sorry if I didn't say that earlier. Men do NOT get a "bye" (as in "bye week," yes, I made a football reference) on affairs of any kind. (b) power and props to you for kicking that "escape my grasp" idiot out of your house! I remember a few events like that in my girlhood and it was always difficult knowing what I could say/do (an awkward weaseling out of the situation, if possible, or more often just hoping he'd stop before it got _really_ weird). (c) did I mention that affair-man needs his ass kicked? (d) I will go listen to Brenda Lee and read the Hetter article and find Yoshimi. (e) Touching a nerve is what this is all about - learn from it, everybody.
Love you, Jenn, as you know - Barb (a.k.a. "one of the twelve")
He DOES deserve a bitch slap-but not for their affair, for his behavior...No ONE deserves a bitch-slap for trying to find what's best for their life...
ReplyDeleteRE: your comment, Thank you: AND No ONE comments, except to text me (I have a lot of ghost readers, but that makes me think no one reads. blah blah blah).
I cannot tell you how many friends have told me their own story, very similar to yours, after I posted this. The hot topic was not 'kissing grandma' it was about that inappropriate moment at your home, and your parents' friend..so many of you.
The survivor stories were the ones that said "I knew this wasn't right because..." Others of you told me you just went along with it because it was easier than creating a scene. And you were 12, 13, 16, 18, 21 and 42...
I think that was my problem/is my problem with articles like this one.
Did Katie Hetter not experience some of the same herself?
Does she skate the issue? (I would say, yes)
AND I have many male friends who have experienced the SAME feelings as a child, conversations and the compromising of one's self for someone else's emotional well-being...When is someone going to really take that side and write about it. I felt like Hetter was taking the 'mother of young girls' approach.
Call for a comment~Parents of boys? How scary to navigate your world right now. I may have to worry my daughter gets pregnant. You have to worry you son gets accused of abusing someone's daughter, when it was consensual, and same-age, and experimental.
I think you hit it on the mark JJMURPH.
ReplyDeleteI can't comment as a parent but I can as a former child, a male, and a psychotherapist/psychologist; the pressure to please others by changing our own feelings is universal (except perhaps, among psychopaths). The intensity of the pressure(whether it is felt as a "compromising" of oneself or flat-out emotional rape) varies according to the child and the situation. Also the emotional valence; people protect themselves in different ways. Some are quite unaware of being "people pleasers" - one might say they've "repressed the conflict" and thus bypass their deep desire to rebel. Or they become "passive-aggressive". Other people become obstreperous and argumentative and end up repressing their deep desire to please and thus be loved and accepted; in effect, they (we) make ourselves unhuggable even when we desperately need one.
ReplyDeleteI was one of those Alter Boys that had a priest touching him too much... at the time (1) was revolted and embarrassed by it, (2) made me not want to touch anyone. It wasn't until later I realized that molested was the word I should have been using.
ReplyDeleteNow as an adult, I have a difficult time comprehending anyone that would play a game like 'Escape from my Grasp' The feelings of helplessness flood my body as they did so long ago... soon though my defiant nature and military macho flash to the surface and I simply want to destroy something.
While I know that these feeling are closer to the surface in women for obvious reasons, we forget that boys are faced with the same queasiness when forced to touch someone they don't want to... while it is usually covered up by by our fathers as 'My boy aint' no homo!' ...the fact remains that we need to be just as vigilant with ALL our children and allow them to make the choice for themselves who they touch and who they choose not too.
I'm sure this forced touching is somewhere at the base of my impending divorce as the touch or lack of touch figures prominently into my marital issues. The bottom line is it's my body, if I can chose an abortion, choose a lifestyle or chose a dog, I should be able to to chose who, when and where I touch someone else.
I'm not sure it's any less close to the surface for men. I think, as you put it, it gets covered up under that exact excuse, "My boy ain't no homo."
DeleteMen aren't ALLOWED to feel the way society allows and expects women to feel and behave about these issues. I'm sorry for that.
Hear Hear ~ "...the fact remains that we need to be just as vigilant with ALL our children and allow them to make the choice for themselves who they touch and who they choose not too." HK